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Guilty…

“Who is calling me in the middle of the night?!” is my initial reaction as my alarm goes off at 5:25 a.m. on a Sunday morning.  Oh, wait.  Right.  That’s my alarm.  We have our official photoshoot for FTEC today and the girls need to be at the Old Mill for 6:30 a.m. sharp! 

I had loaded up my car the night before.  Lots to bring. Dress, shoes, jewellery, multiple outfit changes, etc.  I get out of bed as quietly as possible – don’t want to wake anyone up.  Get ready to go and just as I am walking out the door (at 6am) I hear a tearful voice “Mommy…mommy!” and see my daughter, Abby, stumbling down the hall, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.  She is crying and doesn’t want me to go.  My eyes start to well up.  I hug and kiss her, say I love you and tell her to go back to bed.  She gets more upset and doesn’t want me to close the door.  I lean in for 2 more hugs/kisses, close the door and sign to her through the window in the door “I love you”.  Ugh.  My heart breaks as I jump in the car.  I know she will be fine – she, too, has an exciting day ahead of her with a trip to the mall and birthday party, but it’s doesn’t stop the guilt I feel and have been feeling through this journey.  I have been loving every minute of this experience (well…maybe all but the punches to the nose 😉) but I will admit, there have been many moments of “guilt” at the same time.  I have had a lot of help along the way so far from some wonderful friends who believe in me and support me enough to help pick up the slack I have left behind by being absent.  I feel “guilty” at the amount of car rides I ask of them, “guilty” of my husband picking up some of the slack at home (well….maybe not THAT guilty at this one 😉), “guilty” that most nights I am not here to tuck my daughter into bed or spend time cuddling or reading with her…”guilty” that I feel that I’m rushing to get everywhere and at the same time trying to keep everything sorted and organized...I feel like my life is on one big fast forward button right now and that I'm missing out on so much.  That I'm "half-assing" a lot of things.

Yet at the same time, I am enjoying this experience.  I want to slow it all down.  It is all going by so fast.  All the FTEC alumni have said “enjoy it – it will be over before you know it”.  It’s like the advice I got (and have given) to women when they first have a baby – you blink and the next think you know they are all grown up.

The Official Photoshoot was a fun day.  A long one, but definitely an experience.  We got all glammed up with the help of some super talented ladies, had pictures taken, videos done, interviewed, social media talks – total whirlwind!  But an amazing experience and I loved every minute of it and am so thankful for everyone who was there behind the scenes volunteering their time – I just did as I was told but I know there was an entire crew behind everything ensuring that the day ran seamlessly and everything got done. 🙏

My son, Jack, is 12 years old.  He will be 13 in the fall (how am I the mother of an almost teenager?!)  I know he is old enough to understand what I am doing and why I am MIA most of the time.  But Abby, dear sweet Abby, she is only 6.  Wait, nope, just turned 7(!) 😲  She knows Mommy is going boxing but doesn’t really understand all that is behind it.  And let’s face it, most of the time she is fine with me leaving her at night, to be tucked in by Daddy (Daddy probably lets her stay up later than I do and watch more Netflix😀) but there are the occasions she just wants Mommy.  And it breaks my heart.  And…there is the big old mom guilt that courses through me each night that I leave just because, let’s face it, that’s what I’m best at: beating myself up.  I guess for the time being, I will just have to live with feeling guilty and hope that one day when Abby is old enough to understand what and why I did this, she will also understand why her sacrifice was just as important as mine.

 Now if I could just transfer that "beating up" feeling into the ring – to my opponent…. 😉




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Facebook: Dawn Curnew Millar

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